holistic

I remember the first time I heard Katie say, "In Ayurveda, HOW we eat, is as, if not more important to what we eat.”

BOOM!

My entire body dropped knee length into the mud.

Held, supported... feeling like no matter how much I leaned to one side, mama earth’s wet, warm body had me. I would no longer be pushed over by external forces.

Of course, I wasn’t literally standing in a muddy pond, but I may as well have been.

I thought of alllllll of the times over all of the decades (3 in total!) I had been “battling” with what I should / shouldn’t eat, and “why” I should / shouldn’t be eating what I was.

I reflected on the synchronicities that had played out in the month prior to me going from “Ayur-whaaa?” to signing up to Shakti School Level 1 (& subsequently Level 2) & how the ease of what I was now receiving and truly ‘inner-standing’ (as opposed to ‘understanding) was one of those moments in time where everything shifts.

Despite thousands of hours of self-inquiry, talk-therapy, plant medicine, western-based psychology approaches, new-age/quantum activations, shamanic healings, (insert every healing modality you have heard of), I was still - STILL - struggling with letting go of the eternal-internal narrative of “why” am I STILL over eating and struggling with food addiction?

And whilst the above modalities & experiences had definitely helped with my chronic use of alcohol, drugs and general disassociation from my deeper needs & truth: the “food” thing still had me. And so, when Katie spoke those words in that sweet Southern accent of hers, it l a n d e d.

Yes in my mind, but more so in my body: and even more, in my Sacred heart.

It’s as if the burden of resisting food/bingeing (that I had become so used to carrying around and struggling to keep up above my head so I could continue searching for a way to be able to put it down), simply jumped out of my hands, arms & shoulders and vanished.

And so, for the next few months, I paid particular attention to HOW I was eating.
I stared to notice how I could rush my eating…
How I could hide…

How I could gobble & swallow almost whole…
How I would unconsciously tense my hands under the table when I was wanting a second serve but afraid of being judged…
How I would kid & shame myself about what I had eaten...
And on, and on, and on.

I also dived deeper back in to Geneen Roth’s work which was also really supportive, but what made it HEALING was the synergy of this increased awareness with my gradual, yet consistent and expanding devotion to practicing Dinacharya.

Up until being introduced to dinacharya, I had definitely gone through regular (but not necessarily consistent) waves of, what I had thought of was “self-care” but was actually a regime of exercise, meditation or other physical/mental/energetic practices. These periods had been helpful, activating, inspiring ~ for sure ~ but none of them lasting.

Yet something happened over the following two years, and I started to notice how as I cared for myself in this new way, I started to slow down, drop in, & gain a sense of ‘me’ on a day to day basis.

I would notice the days my skin was dryer, my tongue had more ama, my neti wouldn’t flow, and I would want to head straight to a cacao instead of my lemon-ginger water first thing.

I’d also notice the days I felt luscious, my tongue clear, my neti streamed effortlessly, and I’d embrace a full liter of warm fluids before anything else...

The practices were really great. They really were – and yet, after a while, I started to notice that even though these self-care practices were very nurturing, over time, they started to feel like “have-to’s”.

On the mornings I would have the time & space (I.e. when my 3 children would sleep in), it was wonderful. But sometimes they would wake early, or I would sleep in, & I would become subtly stressed that I wouldn’t have time to ‘get it all done’.

And I started to catch myself ‘rushing’ through my dinacharya. What had started as ritual, was gradually becoming a regime that, if I didn’t “tick off” would produce a subtle tension in my body & mind.
What started as an “ahhhhh” (insert relax tone of voice) was gradually becoming an “eeehhhhhhh” (insert rushed tone of voice).

And then it HIT me!!!

Just like food, HOW I practice my dinacharya is AS, if not MORE important than “what I do” for my dinacharya. And THAT, changed everything.

I suddenly realized that I don’t need to do it all. Sure, it’s great when I can. But if I find myself rushing, then I slow. If I find myself going on autopilot, I pause. I drop in to my body, & I open my heart, and ask,

“What is it I really need right this morning? In this moment?”

HOW could I love myself FULLY right, here, now?

Quite often, it’s just one or two practices done mindfully, heartfully.

S l o w l y.

And, perhaps unsurprisingly, it’s been since I’ve shifted HOW I self-care, that my relationship with food has truly healed.

Sure, sometimes I catch myself rushing, not fully chewing, etc. etc., but it happens so much less often. And when it does, I catch myself sooner, so there’s less fallout/casualties, and as I start my mornings in this slow & oh-so-yummy tempo,that echoes through my day which slows me down in all areas. And because I’m not rushing, I’ve got clarity of thought. I’m more patient with my kids. I can open more in my love-making.

And life, 
Once again,
Becomes Sacred.